Our home, our home which we adore, our home which was remodeled a short year before we moved in, which we have only lived in for a year and a half, our beautiful home in our lovely neighborhood is an appliance-killer. In the past 18 months, every single major appliance (except for our dryer, and you damn well better believe I’m knocking on wood right now) has failed in some way.
First, we noticed our delightfully energy-efficient front-loading washing machine had mildew stains in the rubber boot. We had that replaced on our own dime because my neat-freakish, Type A, I-hate-everyone’s-dirt-except-my-own-and-I-think-I-hate-my-own-dirt-too personality couldn’t stand to wash clothes in a mildewy washer.
Then, the microwave just…quit. No letter of resignation, no protests of unfair wages and excessive hours, it just died. We used it to heat up lunch, then five minutes later the husband went back to heat something else up, hit start, and…the light inside came on, but nothing happened. No carcinogenic microwaves to heat our food to blistering temperatures. Just the light. As if it were all “Oh, hai! Iz just gonna pretendz to cook your food.” So we replaced that, too
Next to go was the control panel on our built in oven. First it was the buttons on the outside edges of the panel that wouldn’t work, and I thought, no biggie, I don’t need to use the “BAKE” function, I can use the “CONVECTION” function instead. Except I don’t really know how to use the “CONVECTION” function so I obviously had not choice but to avoid doing so and promptly go into denial about my oven on the fritz. By the time I went back to use it, most of the other buttons, including the convection button didn’t work either. All that was left was the option of broiling all my oven-baked delicacies for either 1 minute, 11 minutes, 111 minutes. The repairman anticipates we may need to have the control panel replaced again in about a year and a half. Maytag FAIL.
Next to die was the dishwasher. This is the first time in 8 YEARS of marriage that we have had a functioning dishwasher. It’s a spectacular piece of German innovation that cleans the crusted oatmeal off our bowls WITHOUT ANY PRE-RINSING. We love it, and on the right day we could probably be persuaded to divorce each other and both re-marry the dishwasher. Although that would make the dishwasher a polygamist, and I’m pretty sure there’s laws against that kind of thing. Imagine my broken heart when I receive a letter from Bosch stating that our model of dishwasher, our dearest Sudsy, has a glitch in its electrical system and is prone to setting kitchens on fire. Sudsy, an arsonist? Say it ain’t so! Bosch quickly sent a repairman out to fix the issue (ironically, the same guy who fixed the boot in the washing machine), and we thought our woes were over.
Then two days ago, I’m browsing online and come across a headline announcing Maytag’s biggest recall ever, and when I look at the picture next to the headline, I think “Huh. That looks like our fridge. No, that IS our fridge.” And it turns out, our fridge is ALSO prone to setting kitchens on fire. I start laughing because it’s all just too unbelievable, and really, you just can’t make this shit up.
When we moved in, all our appliances were under a year old. They’re all NICE appliances from respected manufacturers, but by sheer dumb luck on the previous owners’ part, they managed to pick an entire set of appliances that fail and fail spectacularly. I’m predicting, nay, expecting that our dryer will be the next to go, although now that I’ve said that, watch that thing outlive us all.
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